Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
