Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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