just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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