recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
