By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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