You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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