I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
