So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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