My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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