dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
