Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
