My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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