the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
