I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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