and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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