I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
