shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
