I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
