Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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