after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
