Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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