Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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