Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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