Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
