I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
