I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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