i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
