don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
