i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
