his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
