This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
