my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize