Three words: puerto rican gang bang
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
