I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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