3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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