We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
