take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
