she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
