3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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