Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
