Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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