So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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