When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
