I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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