i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize