Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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