hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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