We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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