it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
