The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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