What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
