your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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