I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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