i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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