I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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