I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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