I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
