Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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