Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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